Yeah, my comeback is about as graceful as hers.

I keep meaning to come back, and I keep putting it off. I was like, "I'll come in at 60 days." And then it was like, "I'll wait until 90 days." And on and on. Now I am gaining on 5 months. My sobriety date is still May 6th, 2007.

Thank you to those who wrote to me, and to all who are still here and still write. You're the best!

Reasons why I could not seem to Tribe.

1. Yes, Riverlife, it was a huge trigger. Tribe had become a trigger. Like, "Okay, I'm all fucked up now and what do I do? I can Tribe!"But that reason only really applied to the first 30 days or so.

2. Busted. After a spat, in which I split, a certain family member went looking for me on Tribe. She found a thoughtless and unfair comment I had made about her from like February and sent it to me. I saw the whole thread excerpted and I was horrified! There was a time when I had asked my loved ones-some of them- to please read my tribe because this was the only place I wanted to speak. That was a long time ago, however, and none seemed particularly interested in it, and so it never occurred to me that she would read it. My relapse writings were NEVER meant for anybody but you guys! I felt totally violated, and a little ashamed of myself. But that passed. I said the truth. That I was drunk. Anyway, that excuse, like the former, really only applies to the earliest parts of my sobriety.

3. I was at my sister's. Then I was at my mom's. I didn't have room to Tribe. But I was occasionally at my own place, and I certainly made plenty of time to read Perezhilton.com. So that excuse is pretty bogus.

4. I started to get the same feeling I get when I don't listen to my voicemail for days and then weeks. So I do what I always do. Repeat the word "Manana" like it's a mantra.

5. I'm afraid to hear myself think. This is the most poignant of my excuses. I am afraid of my voice. The Tribe persona I cultivated so dearly. The bitter, snide and sullen little bitchy one. That one. Unfortunately, I find that person very funny. More unfortunately, I find that person to be much like my real self. And I am in fear of that self. I can't afford to ridicule everything- my sobriety, my life. I guess I can still afford to ridicule others, though. Chuckster? You still here? So what voice DO I use? My Rah Rah Recovery voice? I haven't learned how to use that one yet. But I'm learning.

See, I'm already thinking too much. And this is a bad thing.

I haven't looked at most of what was written in those 4 months of mayhem. I'm going to do that. Yikes. I was wincing over one of the last posts, and of all the things that could possibly jump out and frighten me, this line really got me. "I thought it was Friday." I don't know. There's just something about the earnestness of it. And the bewilderment. I mean, we all like to think that's it's Friday when it's not really Friday, but usually we figure it out before it's too late.